gah

I'm trying to find the strength and energy to post a very deep meaningful blog for ya'll but frankly....I'm just too exhausted. Soon. I promise. Stay tuned....this ride is never calm.

Photo Of The Week

Oh how the time flies, it's Monday Photo Mania again already! Today I've got one that's was hard to edit; not only for the sheer beauty of the person but also for the emotions it brought up.

Isn't she gorgeous? This is the most amazing, strong, caring, loving, happy, selfless, giving, kind, beautful woman I've ever met in my life. She is my best friend. My counselor. My heart and soul. This beauty is my grandmother. I lost her in September of 2010 and life will never be the same. But she is with me every step of the way. I feel her with us as we grow and learn each day. Life hasn't been perfect but I know she'd be damn proud of the woman I've become.

Judgement Day

So today I am another bundle of mixed emotions....ha go figure. Well first I should tell you some great big news:   I GOT A NEW JOB! Yes I'm so proud of myself for finally making the steps to change my life. And yet truly, honestly I still feel like one big huge jumbo failure. Goodness I hate that word. K has told me that by letting myself feel like a failure I am telling God He failed. I realize in my logical mind that is not true, God created us all to be us and He loves us. But in the choices I've made in my life I've opened myself up to a lot of judgement from people other than my Heavenly Father. I realize I need to "shake it off" as Joyce Meyer told me tonight. However these judgements make me so angry; not just at the people making them but at myself for opening myself to them by making some big mistakes. Important note here: I LOVE my son. I am crazy about him and I wouldn't trade him for the world. HE is NOT a mistake. However, in having him when I did I set myself up to be labeled. I'm just another: single mom, whore, tramp, sinner, welfare case, baby momma, failure, uneducated young mom. Take your pick. I see the looks; they start at my son, then travel to me, then down to my ring finger and then a quick look of disgust. "Yep another one of Those Girls". I'm wrestling with this more right now due to a few things going on in my personal life but I don't want this blog to be me airing my dirty laundry. But the choices I made are hindering some very important things in my life and I'm unsure which way to turn. I have My Bestie to help me out but she's so far away. Tonight I simply want to get on a plane and fly to her. Tonight I just want the best of all worlds; I want my perfect son but I also want my life. I don't regret giving it all up for him, I just feel a big lonely tonight.

Photo Of The Week

Yep it's already that time again, Monday Photo Mania! So I'm coming at you with a new edit, don't forget to leave some feedback :)

We aren't in Kansas anymore....

But I'll visit the Flint Hills as often as possible. I love it there!

Yes, Yes I know

I was slacking again, and again life turned to chaos. I keep saying I'll be diligent about things but they slip away. My excuses are just that...excuses. Everyone is tired, everyone gets busy, everyone wants to relax; I must overcome these excuses. So instead of letting this fall to the way side, I will pick up from today and continue until my seven days are complete and maybe do a few extra to keep me going. I hope to stay on track.

February 10th

Are You Not Worth Much More Than They?

Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?

~Matthew 6:26

Joyce tells us here that God takes care of all of us, even birds. Meaning we need to not fret and see that God is going to handle it all, even if we feel we don't deserve it. She says the birds to not stress over their next meal, they simply know it will be there somewhere. We must not stress, just know it will be there.

February 10th Evening

A Balancing Act:

I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full , till it overflows).

~John 10:10

This one is huge for me; learning how to balance work and enjoyment. I'm getting better; when My Love is here I simply leave the dishes and cleaning for another time. Now however I must remember to go back and do the work once he is gone. I've gotten lazy to say the least. I feel tired and sluggish all the time. I need to find this balancing act in my life and Joyce says He will do it if I let Him. So tomorrow, no more energy drinks or caffeine, I will let Him begin to take control back. YIKES! Time to find the balance again!!!

Daily Reading

February 7th

God's Favor to Be Yourself:

When a man's way pleases the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.

~Proverbs 16:7

Today the reading really struck a cord with me. Joyce talks about having to be a different person with the people in your life. Having to "wear masks" so to speak. I have always felt the need to change who I am and be what others expect of me. I'm one person with my mother, another with my father, another at work, and on and on. And then I met My Love; and I didn't have to be anyone else. Truly that is when my wake up call began. I have been going to therapy with the ever amazing K also and in time I have started to learn who I really am. God guided me to two very amazing people to help show me this message first hand. I know I have a lot of people angry with me over me not conforming the way I used to, but it's worth it. With more time and guidance I will find a happy balance in my life...but this message is where it started for me.

February 7th Evening

The Paraclete:

But when He, the Spirit of Truth (the Truth-giving Spirit) comes, He will guide you into all the Truth (the whole, full Truth). For He will not speak His own message [on His own authority]; but He will tell whatever He hears [ from the Father; He will give the message given to Him], and He will announce and declare to you the things that are to come [that will happen in the future].

~John 16:13

In starting this week long adventure I knew I was needing to refocus. And as I sit here and read these with tears in my eyes I remember why. I had begun to give up hope. My faith was wavering. But tonight Joyce reminds me that God put the Holy Spirit in me to guide me; to remind me that God has a plan for me. I may not know the plan exactly right now but there is one. I have to listen to my "Paraclete (counselor, advocate, intercessor)". I must trust and have faith, undying, undeterred faith. The line that brought the tears, "...in Him you are becoming everything God planned you to be." I really needed to hear that today.

An Evening With Joyce

February 6th Evening

Thoughts of the Heart:

Either make the tree sound (healthy and good), and it's fruit sound (healthy and good), or make the tree rotten (diseased and bad), and it's fruit rotten (diseased and bad); for the tree is known and recognized and judged by it's fruit.

~Matthew 12:33

The reading tonight was teaching good thoughts=a good person. When reading this bit of scripture I take it as; show it like it is. Don't put on a false front; Don't show off "good fruit" but harbor truly "bad fruit". Have good thoughts and intentions and the rest of your life will follow. However, one thing I am learning on my way it that you can not pick and choose whom you are nice to. If you are striving to be a good person you must be good to those that you feel may not deserve it. In fact you must be even more genuinely kind to those people.

Photo Of The Week

Here we are again, Monday Photo Mania, with a new photo edit.

This has me thinking of warmer weather...mmmmm! Some sun, sand and a good book=a perfect summer day!

Seven Days With Joyce Meyer

So I have been not only slacking in blog world but I have been slacking in my spiritual life as well. So I have found a cure! Seven full days, one whole week, of keeping up on my morning AND night reading. To hold myself accountable I have you along for the ride! I will post two times a day with my reading and what I feel it means to me. My reading comes from my morning book, "New Day, New You" and my night book, "Ending Your Day Right" both by Joyce Meyer.
And what better time to start than now?

February 6th

Let your mess become your message:

All of us...are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another; [for this comes] from the Lord [Who is] the Spirit.

~2 Corinthians 3:18

In letting your mess become your message Joyce is trying to tell us to let go of our past but not forget it. In remembering our past we are preparing for God's gifts later on in life. We also are able to tell others our lessons and lend wisdom and guidance. She also wants us to remember we can not experience victory without trials and pain. Life wasn't promised to be easy but our "mess" can teach us some very valuable things. Learn from the "mess", gain knowledge from the "mess" and share the lessons learned. So when you're sitting in a great big heap of pain and you are wondering 'why is this happening', have peace in knowing that it is all for a reason. If the road from Point A to Point B were easy, you may not feel pain but would you ever truly know accomplishment, victory or happiness? God isn't torturing us, He is teaching us. Let the mess that is become the message for your future.



Just a Number

Today I'm feeling so very many emotions. I'd love to explain the happy ones since they are truly amazing, but right now the angry ones are taking over.
I've worked in the same place now for three years in March. I have seriously put my all into my job. I loved my job. I worked whatever shifts they asked of me. I showed up to work no matter what. At work I put in my full effort and truly enjoyed my job. I don't mean to try and make myself sound perfect but in three years I've grown and learned and I believe done a lot of good while employed there. I show up. I do my job. I don't gossip. I don't backstab. I have two very great friends. And I get along with everyone else. I no longer am loud and young. I keep to myself. I smile. I chit chat when appropriate. I engage my guests. I provide good service, sometimes really good service. I have regulars. I clean. In the long and short, I do what is expected of me and try and do a bit more on top of that.
But here I sit three years later and I am simply 23350. That's all. I'm a number to them. Nothing good has happened. I have not been rewarded. In fact no one notices. No one cares if I get a break or if I even pee in a day. If I have the lounge to myself I may as well bet I'll be holding it all day. So slowly but surely I've given up hope. I see people walk in the door and get more out of those people than I do, so frankly I'm tired. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I don't go above and beyond any more. I do my job. I still enjoy my guests and giving them good service. But cleaning...what's that? Break, sure I'll be gone a bit longer than normal when I get one. You want me to pick up a shift...? Huh, I think I'm busy.
I hate being this way. I feel awful. But in reality I've put up with so much and I've done so much that I'm exhausted. They've taken all I have to give to them without so much as a thank you. So all in all, I'm angry. I''m so very angry and hurt.

Photo Of The Week

Well since I've been terrible about keeping up with my Photo Of The Week, here is one for ya! I know it's not Monday but I promise I'll be better about it from now on!

I found this picture and just HAD to edit it. The colors are amazing and the look on my little sister's face is priceless. These girls are such a huge part of my world, I'm crazy about them. They can drive me nuts (hey, they are still my sisters!) but I can't imagine a life without them. <3