Merry Birthday Eve!

So today is the eve of my birthday! I'll be the big 2-2 on Saturday and I haven't a clue how my life got here. I never knew I could have so many mixed emotions. I LOVE my son and being a mommy. I am crazy about my ever amazing boyfriend. I have such wonderful supporters in my life and my family is imperfectly perfect. I have so very much to be thankful for.
And then I see the bad. The debt. Losing my beloved grandmother. The dead end job. The constant uphill battle trying to coparent. It's like for every sad there is a happy and for every happy there is a sad.
But by far the hardest part of this birthday is it is the very first my grandma won't be there for. I remember opening all my presents on Christmas morning and calling grandma right after to list off all of the cool toys I got. And then either she'd come over or I'd pack up all my new toys and drag them over to her. I'd show them all off one by one. And then I'd start asking when I could open my birthday presents! :)
I try so hard everyday not to cry because I'm afraid if I start, I'll never stop. I have kept life upbeat and normal for my little man. I want him to remember his mommy with a smile on her face. But when I'm at work or I'm out and about and I just don't seem so cheery....please, cut me some slack. It's been a rough year.

Photo of the Week

We've had a rough year in my family. We've each lost things near and dear to us. The biggest blow was losing our beloved grandmother. The three of us will miss that woman something fierce. She meant a lot to us. She was always there for us. But through this we've held on to each other.

This picture was taken on our very first bowling trip. Sitting there and just letting go of it all was priceless. We enjoyed the day. We laughed so much. We cheered. We danced.

I will never forget this day.

**A shout out to my amazing boyfriend who brought the three of us bowling. I can't thank you enough for the wonderful memories you helped create. <3 **



With Just a Smell

eHave you ever smelled something and had it take you right back to a moment in your life. I finally moved into the big bathroom in my house the other day. I put shampoo, conditioner and body wash in the shower without giving it another thought. When I first opened each of the bottles the next day I was brought right back to the hospital room after giving birth. It was just like standing in that shower, rinsing off the sweat and tears of labor. I was right back there feeling like I didn't know what to do next. I was so lost. I was so happy and sad at the same time. I felt more alone than I ever have in my life. The baby I had grown inside me and felt kick me, was no longer there. The man whom was supposed to be helping me through all of it wasn't there. My family had a life and couldn't be there every second, I was an adult after all. There I stood in blistering hot water trying to make sense of my life.
When I smell those smells I see that lonely lost girl. I feel so bad for her but I am so proud of the woman I have become. When I turned to God my life began to turn around. Yes I lost my precious grandmother and it still makes me sad everyday. But God put so much good in my life to help me see He loves me and wasn't trying to punish me. I was learning lessons.
Those smells remind me of where I came from. They show me how far I have come. It is truly amazing. I still have work ahead of me but I'm proud of me. I hope Grandma and Grandpa are too. Happy Holidays Gma and Gpa. I love and miss you both more than you can every imagine.