Merry Birthday Eve!

So today is the eve of my birthday! I'll be the big 2-2 on Saturday and I haven't a clue how my life got here. I never knew I could have so many mixed emotions. I LOVE my son and being a mommy. I am crazy about my ever amazing boyfriend. I have such wonderful supporters in my life and my family is imperfectly perfect. I have so very much to be thankful for.
And then I see the bad. The debt. Losing my beloved grandmother. The dead end job. The constant uphill battle trying to coparent. It's like for every sad there is a happy and for every happy there is a sad.
But by far the hardest part of this birthday is it is the very first my grandma won't be there for. I remember opening all my presents on Christmas morning and calling grandma right after to list off all of the cool toys I got. And then either she'd come over or I'd pack up all my new toys and drag them over to her. I'd show them all off one by one. And then I'd start asking when I could open my birthday presents! :)
I try so hard everyday not to cry because I'm afraid if I start, I'll never stop. I have kept life upbeat and normal for my little man. I want him to remember his mommy with a smile on her face. But when I'm at work or I'm out and about and I just don't seem so cheery....please, cut me some slack. It's been a rough year.